Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Guys, my father won't talk to me. I wanna cry so bad. Why??? He disagreed with my decision to go to UTM. I don't want to enter UM. I seriously don't want to. And yet...          I can't do anything. What should I do? I am trying to keep a straight face here. Inside, I'm bleeding. Should I end it here? I need to keep going. I have to. I have to prove them wrong. It's the only way to get rid of this sick feeling that I have.           So hereby , I solemnly promise . I will graduate excellently . I will go through these four years of study with flying colours . I will get a job that can provide me and my family comfortably . I will make them pay for doubting me and my choice . I'll prove to them that they are absolutely wrong !            I will start everything fresh and green. No more playing around. No more...

It's actually a little late for this post but a week ago, the university result came out. At the end of the day, I got two offers from two different universities. UM and UTM. My decision is very simple. Stick to the best university in engineering. I chose UTM. I always had a thing with this particular university. Although, I have to admit that UM has a better reputation as it is the number one university in Malaysia, I always believe that it is your effort that represents your result. Not the institution. Well, not fully of course. I did consider the facilities.             That is, unfortunately, what I want to talk about today. It's about my decision and my family's reaction. Oh god, I am so devastated over what happened today. Needless to say this, my family didn't agree with what I chose. I don't like feeling this. I feel so wronged. All my life, I did it to satisfy them. But when this happened. I feel like I failed in life. I ...

So here we go. I've been putting this on for awhile now. But this time I want to put it in action. I found that when you have a goal in life, you wouldn't want to ditch that goal over something petty in life. I want to make my life meaningful. I want to base my life by paving my road to my goals. I want to feel satisfied when one of my goals is accomplished.            So, here we go. My Bucket's List 1. Touching real snow with my bare hands. 2 . Travel to Britain. (Especially the countryside) 3. Own my own library. (With thousands of my favourite books) 4. Write a book and get it published. 5. Play Skyrim. (Okay, I really want to play this game so much!)           That is all that I can think at the moment. I don't think the list will change anytime sooner. So, there you go. Will talk more later.

Never be a grudgeful person, Lee. It's not good for you. I know things are tough but see it in a different perspective will you. Things are going to be good. Just trust in yourself. Just never gives up, no matter how hard the circumstance are. You'll get through it. It's all the part of growing up. In order to grow up, you need to go through stuffs like this.

I am thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home today. I feel like it is the perfect time to end it. In fact, I can almost grasp at the idea. It is like something special because to be honest, I am tired. Whenever I said I'm not, it's a lie. An utter bullshit. A secret that I want to hide.          My body is trembling with adrenaline because I really want this kind of ending for me. I can already taste it in my mouth. I want to end it. Now. After I get home from here.          Will I have the bravery though?          I don't think anyone would miss me. Of course, they would be sad, but that would only be temporary. Then, they'll move on. I hope it will be a lesson to them though. Be more sensitive to what others are feeling. Be supportive. Never let someone you love lowers themselves too low that they start to hate themselves. It helps even if you give the...

It 's horrible. That's all I can say. I am crying my balls out right now but no tears came to my eyes. I am keeping the smile on my face even though I am hurting. I really have to say that I am brave. I am strong. I can get through this. I am strong.

No matter what you do, jangan breakdown, Lee. Keep it together. Hold it together. Hold it. Jangan breakdown. Don't cry. I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry. I fucking refuse to cry. Cry does you no good. This is only temporary. You'll get better. Be strong. Be brave. Never give up. This will get better. You'll get better. This is temporary. Don't succumb to it. No matter what you do, don't succumb to it. I feel so useless. So fucking useless. I hate this part of me. It so fucking weak. Fucking WEAK. I don't feel strong. I don't feel weak. I feel so fucking useless. Get a grip. Get a fucking grip. You'll get through this. Don't think. I'll always think . It's my curse . I just can't stop thinking . It always hurt so fucking bad . I want to stop thinking . Please stop thinking , Lee . Please stop. PLEASE STOPP !!!!!!!!!