Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Hi there guys. So, I've been thinking. Since I'm a little manic right now, I think I want to express some of my feelings in here. Yup, I also think I'm a bit bipolar. I mean like, just 30 minutes ago, I was flying high, speaking non-stop, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Yet now, I feel so horrible. So fucking down. So darkly. So black .           So, yeah. I'm trying something new today. I'm going to vomit it all out in here. I'm trying to make it an everyday blog. So, we'll see how long I could be consistent in this since I'm pretty busy with university life and my depression is really out of control lately. You can't believe how tough it was to even just get out from bed.           I can't even function properly lately. As soon as that door closed, I'm back in my cocoon and I hate myself.          Anyhoo, Yeah, tomorrow, I'll start the 30 days challenge. Though, I'm not sure I would be healed from t...

Yesterday, I had another attack after a week of abstinence from my bad habit. I received a bad news yesterday. I felt like my world is crumbling all around me. There I was, in my class, received one of the worst news in my life and I had to keep my facade long enough until the class was over. There was no doubt in my mind of what I would do as soon as I get my privacy. Hence, the throbbing pain in my leg right now. At first, I felt like I was automated. The only thing I could remember was the urge to feel the bite of pain in my leg. It wasn't until my legs were almost destroyed, I stopped. And even then, I want more. I feel so sick about myself. I don't think I can stop now. It is now, my method of coping. I had the most releasing meltdown after that. Then, I pull on my big girl panty and went to get some food. The end.

I lost it again today.         As soon as my mom & dad dropped me off at my university, I took a nap. Though it took me awhile to sleep due to my insomnia. Then, I woke up. I tried to control it down but I hadn't had my fix for a couple of days now, so I relaxed for a bit. Watching the rerun of HIMYM & Supernatural. The feelings didn't disappear, no matter how much I tried to stop thinking about it.         Then, the first cut happened. And then, the next one. After the fourth one, I was numb and I cut more. It wasn't deep. It's like the cut you get when you shave wrong. But it burns, guys. Burns so bad and so good. I love the temporary relief I got from it. It made me stopped thinking and just enjoyed the waves of it. It was a rush to my bloodstream. I felt in fact euphoric for a short while.        This morning, I recognized the signs of my upcoming breakdown and you know what, for the first time ever, I tried t...

... (you know what), I kinda have developed this devil-may-care attitude. I wanna believe that nothing is of the consequences I make. In the end of the day, there are only me and my cut.           I have an outlet now. It's kinda exciting and scary in the same time. I feel sad and happy. Sad that I did this to myself. Happy that every time I see them, I believe that nothing is going to hurt me worse than myself. My heart is literally beating faster now because I truly believe that.           NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT ME WORSE THAN HOW I HURT MYSELF.           I finally have a grip on my life. For once, I decide who's going to hurt me. Never mind that it is yours truly No one can take this away. This is my biggest secret of all. A secret that I will never tell anyone. I have this sick pleasure knowing every time people look at me, they see this fat cheery girl with big mouth and no filter and every time I loo...

Have ever I told you guys why 'cheating' is a big trigger or irk for me in books? If I did, well, I'm telling it all over again. It all comes down to the one single person who has been in my life ever since my beginning. My dad.            To be honest with you guys, I think my dad is a serial adulterer (if that's still the term nowadays). Hell, I don't know how to tell the story without bad-mouthing my dad but he just won't learn from his past. One of my earliest memories, I think I was about four or three years old at the time, I wasn't in the kindergarten yet at the time, I remember my mom brought my little brother and me to one of his women's place. She basically dragged us and confronted her. Then, my dad came and brought us back home. I didn't remember what they were talking about but I remember the feeling. It was utter devastation. I remember my mom cried and fought with him. Telling him just to stop his stupid ways of life as he had two li...