Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Assalamualaikum and hey. I'm back and it's three days away from 2018. It took me a great deal of motivation to just open up my laptop and start clicking away the keyboard. I have been feeling really restless and moody and all over the place lately. All I can think of inside my head is fake, fake, fake and fake.            I have been dealing with depression ever since forever. I could not even remember a point in my life where I have never think of dying. Even when I was in primary school, all I wanted was to die young (so that I would collect less sins, you know). The feelings never ebbed away and it became to too obvious to deny that I have this little voice speaking in my head, telling me things, torturing me to no end when I reached puberty. Henceforth, I tried to cope with my depression. Nothing I did make me feel better.           The only safe haven I found was by hiding myself among books and got lost in them. I was 11 y...

I'm scared. All I could think of right now is the razor hiding in my drawer.            I need a distraction, I know.  But all I could think of is bad thoughts. Taking from the context of my recent novel, I was battered by them Suffocated by them Crushed under their weight And simply too many of them for me to handle.             I couldn't isolate any one thought, any issue. I'm scared that I picked up my bad habit again. I want to retreat to the shower and clean all the filth on me... and hurt myself. I deserve this. Worthless piece of shit that I am. I need a release.

Ya ALLAH. Terima kasih atas pemberian yang bermakna ini. Bantulah hambaMU ini dalam mencari cahaya hidayahMU dalam hidupku. Bantulah hambaMU dalam beristiqamah dalam menunaikan ibadah kepadaMU. Ampunilah segala dosaku ya ALLAH. Assalamualaikum, guys.             Last Sunday, I finally found it. My light. The one thing that I kept resisting. I postponed it again and again. Thinking it wasn't my time yet. But the time came to me in the most weird way. It was again, due to a book. A love novel actually. But it wasn't the romance of it that woke me up but the religious aspect of it. A man who loved ALLAH. Who still finds HIM even when he lost his memories. A man that makes me realize I haven't met mine yet. One who would cherish me as much he did and yet love but without ever being physically close. I need that reminder in my life.              It's hard to admit this but I did some grievous mistakes in my past. Some par...

Hi, As I'm writing this, I'm looking at my hamster. (Yeah, I know. Unlike a cat lady, I'm the hamster lady.) Anyway, back to my main point. I like looking at her. To know that she needed me to love and protect her. I don't know why but I feel a very maternal and protective instinct to my pet. I hope I would be like that too to my future kids. Hell, you have no idea how I long to be a mother. Hence, my fetish. Oh wait. You don't know about my fetish? That's secret, silly. There's no way I would talk about it here. I just want to love her till she died. Granted, hamsters gonna live a short life compared to human. But yeah, I love her very much so. I know this is a very weird entry for the day. But I just want to let that thought out first. Till next time. Lee.

Hi guys. It's October and I forget to fill in the September entry. Heh. Like anyone of you cares. But I do though.          Anyway, what can I say about last month... Hmm.. It was filled with preparing for the new semester, getting rid of everything shitty in my life and hoping a new hope. Making ways to a better way of living and finally seeing everything in a new light. Sure, I still have doubt of why I'm studying chemical engineering rather than my dream job of being a librarian, but what's done is done. I'm tired of swimming against the current.          As what my pollution engineering lecturer had said, leave if you're prepared or continued if you're braved enough. It seems that I don't have the steel balls that he had hoped we do and I continued. Just it will take times for me to find my spirit back after all the messes happened last semester. But damn, I did a whole lot of stupid stuffs. Stuffs that I ain't proud of but I nee...

Hi guys. It's been a long time I guess. I'm still battling my depression and self harm sadly... With the current passing of Chester Bennington, the lead singer in LP, the thought of suicide is always there whenever I heard his songs. I can't shake it off. The worst is that, I'm addicted to this thought. In my sad pathetic mind, I can no longer see a way out. For me, death is all that is. The solution where I will never feel pain or lonely or anger anymore. I just want to stop feeling things. Things that confused the hell of me. I want it to stop so badly. I hate being alone with my mind. She whispers bad things to me. Sometimes thoughts that had nothing to do with me resurface. All my guilts, my mistakes, my experiences... I feel like I'm reliving them in full HD and then they got scrutinized so hard, I hate to just stand up in the morning. My mind is a hell for me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't think the counsellor thing work or maybe it was me who...

Hey there kids. I'm back. And with some new goals to share. Since I am still kinda stupid really and I'm back to self harming again, shhhh-it's out secret, I decided to make out a pretty new list for my stupid horrible life. So, here you go. In the morning... 1. Make my bed. 2. Say good morning to Jandi (my pet hamster). 3. Spend 5 minutes of light stretching every morning. Books & reading... 1. Read 100 books during the 3 months break. 2. Finish my book about Laila. Health... 1. 3 times a week, go on for a 45 minuted jog/walk 2. Eat less rice, more dishes. 3. One glass of sweet stuff per day. Travel... 1. 10 bucks set aside for my Scotland travel fund. Everyday... 1. One small goal per day to achieve. 2. Learn something new everyday never mind how small. 3. Do something out of norm or different. That is all my goals for today. I hope I achieve it and so do you guys. Love ya guys! Gonna sleep now. I need it. Love, L

THERE IS A CONFUSED GIRL. Feeling alone in her world. Living each day by each day. Hoping at the end of the day she could return home to her pillow and bed. She misses home greatly. Hoping someone could see the pain in her eyes, begging people to understand. Just how much of a fucked up she is. Yes, she is not perfect. Yes, she is a miserable cause to be saved. Yes, she is hoping. Again, and again, every day. So, that someone would finally pay attention to her and help her escape from her mind of torture. 

Hey y'all! I got a huge announcement in my other blog. Hahaha. Which is private and for my view only. So sorry. Gonna put it in public. One day.        Anyway. I'm gonna write a book. That's the huge announcement. One of my goals during my 3 months off away from university. Wish me luck yeah. Love you guys. I was actually not planning to post anything but gotta get that out from my chest by the way.        Will continue that 30 Days Challenge whenever I'm in the mood though. I can't think of anything depressing right now. Just gonna do it! Live life! Buhbye~ L.

How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started. Hi guys. Been awhile since my last blog. I was too busy with life as you can see. I hit a rough patch awhile back. I am currently a month clean from self-harm and now am ready to share my story. I don’t think I’ve ever told you guys about my struggles against depression and self-harm. It all started when I was maybe 10? It was then when I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was a weird kid. All I can think of at that time was the sooner I die, the less sins I would do. And I still think I’m right. I want to die but I won’t do it with my own hand. I’ll start small and kill myself slowly.             It was hard growing up being the fat and introvert kid in class. I was bullied too when I was 12. I’ll let people take everything from me. In exchange of friendship. In which, made me felt alone than ever. My companions were my books. It was my safe haven, the place whe...

I lost it again today. After two weeks, I did it again. I don't think that I will truly stop from cutting myself once I found out this habit. I just need it. It had been too long since my last purge.           I am truly sick of myself. No matter what I do, I am triggered. Sometimes by the smallest thing. I am not as strong as I thought I was. Anyhow, I'm tired now. I don't know which one made me more tired. The pleasure or the pain. The only I know, I am now at peace. I had tissues soaked with blood all around me and I love the coppery smells of blood. What a truly sick fuck I am.

Hi there guys. So, I've been thinking. Since I'm a little manic right now, I think I want to express some of my feelings in here. Yup, I also think I'm a bit bipolar. I mean like, just 30 minutes ago, I was flying high, speaking non-stop, feeling like I'm on top of the world. Yet now, I feel so horrible. So fucking down. So darkly. So black .           So, yeah. I'm trying something new today. I'm going to vomit it all out in here. I'm trying to make it an everyday blog. So, we'll see how long I could be consistent in this since I'm pretty busy with university life and my depression is really out of control lately. You can't believe how tough it was to even just get out from bed.           I can't even function properly lately. As soon as that door closed, I'm back in my cocoon and I hate myself.          Anyhoo, Yeah, tomorrow, I'll start the 30 days challenge. Though, I'm not sure I would be healed from t...

Yesterday, I had another attack after a week of abstinence from my bad habit. I received a bad news yesterday. I felt like my world is crumbling all around me. There I was, in my class, received one of the worst news in my life and I had to keep my facade long enough until the class was over. There was no doubt in my mind of what I would do as soon as I get my privacy. Hence, the throbbing pain in my leg right now. At first, I felt like I was automated. The only thing I could remember was the urge to feel the bite of pain in my leg. It wasn't until my legs were almost destroyed, I stopped. And even then, I want more. I feel so sick about myself. I don't think I can stop now. It is now, my method of coping. I had the most releasing meltdown after that. Then, I pull on my big girl panty and went to get some food. The end.

I lost it again today.         As soon as my mom & dad dropped me off at my university, I took a nap. Though it took me awhile to sleep due to my insomnia. Then, I woke up. I tried to control it down but I hadn't had my fix for a couple of days now, so I relaxed for a bit. Watching the rerun of HIMYM & Supernatural. The feelings didn't disappear, no matter how much I tried to stop thinking about it.         Then, the first cut happened. And then, the next one. After the fourth one, I was numb and I cut more. It wasn't deep. It's like the cut you get when you shave wrong. But it burns, guys. Burns so bad and so good. I love the temporary relief I got from it. It made me stopped thinking and just enjoyed the waves of it. It was a rush to my bloodstream. I felt in fact euphoric for a short while.        This morning, I recognized the signs of my upcoming breakdown and you know what, for the first time ever, I tried t...

... (you know what), I kinda have developed this devil-may-care attitude. I wanna believe that nothing is of the consequences I make. In the end of the day, there are only me and my cut.           I have an outlet now. It's kinda exciting and scary in the same time. I feel sad and happy. Sad that I did this to myself. Happy that every time I see them, I believe that nothing is going to hurt me worse than myself. My heart is literally beating faster now because I truly believe that.           NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT ME WORSE THAN HOW I HURT MYSELF.           I finally have a grip on my life. For once, I decide who's going to hurt me. Never mind that it is yours truly No one can take this away. This is my biggest secret of all. A secret that I will never tell anyone. I have this sick pleasure knowing every time people look at me, they see this fat cheery girl with big mouth and no filter and every time I loo...

Have ever I told you guys why 'cheating' is a big trigger or irk for me in books? If I did, well, I'm telling it all over again. It all comes down to the one single person who has been in my life ever since my beginning. My dad.            To be honest with you guys, I think my dad is a serial adulterer (if that's still the term nowadays). Hell, I don't know how to tell the story without bad-mouthing my dad but he just won't learn from his past. One of my earliest memories, I think I was about four or three years old at the time, I wasn't in the kindergarten yet at the time, I remember my mom brought my little brother and me to one of his women's place. She basically dragged us and confronted her. Then, my dad came and brought us back home. I didn't remember what they were talking about but I remember the feeling. It was utter devastation. I remember my mom cried and fought with him. Telling him just to stop his stupid ways of life as he had two li...

I finally did it. Year and years taunting myself for not doing it properly. I did it. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt too much. Now, I did it. Twice. I told myself. Don't think and just do it. I'm afraid, I would be addicted to it now since I've finally crossed over that threshold. I'm sorry.

There is a thin line between life and death. I've always thought to myself. Just one more day. Just one more week. Just one more thing. There is always an expiration date I gave to myself. Maybe it is to show that I didn't really want to end it. That I want to hope that before tomorrow, before next week, before that one more thing I need to do, someone would save me. Someone could pull me out of this nightmare. Hope is a very dangerous thing, isn't it? It could overturn a kingdom. It could save lives. But what if that someone didn't want to be saved? What if that someone is beyond salvage?

My beast, that is. She is stronger than me. Kinder than me. Reminding me that my life is worth living. I thank her a lot for her companionship. She was the one who wiped my tears when I cried, consoled me when I'm sad, scolded me when I did something horrible to myself. I love my beast so much. She saved me a lot. More than anyone knows.           If she was sitting next to me, she would give me that billion dollars smile, smirking at me, noting my cheesiness as I write these words out. She would tease me, complaining why I have to write these down when I could easily just talk to her. But deep down I know that she is happy that I decided to write about her. Hence, the obvious change in my blog's name. I want to be just like her one day. Hence.           Do you have a beast like I did?        

Hi guys. My dear dear diary.             It's been too long since our last communications. Despite all the rough patches, I am still alive. The world is kind to me, I think. I haven't written down my thoughts for awhile now. I am barely holding them in as I wrote these words.            The objective of this post is to tell you what happened in my life for the past year and a half. Remember in my earlier posts, that I mentioned I have never been in other states other than Johor, Malacca, Negeri Sembilan, Selangor and Kuala Lumpur? Now, I have to update on that list. Due to an extracurricular program in my university, I have now visited almost all the states in Malaysia other than Perlis, Sabah & Sarawak. I have grown a lot, mentally and physically during my absence in the past year due to this program. The program, which I shall not be named, taught me a lot of stuffs, stuffs that you cannot get in the class. Soft ski...

I seriously can't believe that it's 2017 already.             OMG, I'm about to be 21! The happy news is I am finally okay. I am not so suicidal anymore (though there were times when I got the flash) but other than that, I am okay.            Nowadays I am more active in my Goodreads account. I don't blog anymore, unfortunately. But sometimes I come here and read my stupids posts from years and years ago. So, yeah. There is not much I could say, as I'm having my final EB paper tomorrow. I am the biggest procrastinator ever. So, yeah. I am expecting to flop again this semester.            How about, I'll write again after my post. Later in the evening. Truth to be told, I have tones of stories to tell you guys. A year worth of stories. Love, Liely.