Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Assalamualaikum and hey. I'm back and it's three days away from 2018. It took me a great deal of motivation to just open up my laptop and start clicking away the keyboard. I have been feeling really restless and moody and all over the place lately. All I can think of inside my head is fake, fake, fake and fake.            I have been dealing with depression ever since forever. I could not even remember a point in my life where I have never think of dying. Even when I was in primary school, all I wanted was to die young (so that I would collect less sins, you know). The feelings never ebbed away and it became to too obvious to deny that I have this little voice speaking in my head, telling me things, torturing me to no end when I reached puberty. Henceforth, I tried to cope with my depression. Nothing I did make me feel better.           The only safe haven I found was by hiding myself among books and got lost in them. I was 11 y...

I'm scared. All I could think of right now is the razor hiding in my drawer.            I need a distraction, I know.  But all I could think of is bad thoughts. Taking from the context of my recent novel, I was battered by them Suffocated by them Crushed under their weight And simply too many of them for me to handle.             I couldn't isolate any one thought, any issue. I'm scared that I picked up my bad habit again. I want to retreat to the shower and clean all the filth on me... and hurt myself. I deserve this. Worthless piece of shit that I am. I need a release.