Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Hello there guys. So after 5 long years of reading Fifty Shades Trilogy for the first time and the consequent movies, it finally ended. All of fifty shades... no more Christian Grey (although the movies were poorly represented). My first erotica. My first book-husband.           I had just watched the last installment to the trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed, and it was bittersweet at most. Of course, I cringed (A LOT) but the books hold a special place in my dark smutty heart.                      You have no idea how Fifty Shades helped me during my dark days. I understood the stigma about the books, but I really don't care. For me, the book isn't about BDSM lifestyle, it's about the innocence of first love (from Ana's POV) and the inner battle/demon that Christian had to face. Of course, the flourish around the romance is insanely ridiculous and over-the-top, but the romanticist in me loved it. I don'...

I can't seem to shake it off. I'm feeling numb but there's a deep pain in my chest. I tried to ignore the piercing voices in my mind that told me I deserved it. It's all my fault. I am too careless. It all happened due to my negligence. It's all my fault. I deserve this.           I deserve to die. I deserve what happened to me. I knew I was too happy that day. I knew somehow, someway God wouldn't let me have my peace. I've sinned and why would he gives me some peace. I deserve this.

She's really gone.

For the umpteenth times, my hamster ran away. Idk why but I think this is it. She's truly gone. Deep inside my heart cracks. She has been there throughout all my ups and downs. I feel like I lost someone to hold onto now. This is not just some nonsense ramblings or childish tantrums. I know my limit and I swear to God, I am nearing it. My sane self is pulling my body from falling down the proverbial cliff right now. Others would slam my behaviour as immature and childish I know but I'm already gone. I can't deal with another loss that is all my fault. I can't. This is not a good day for me, guys. Not at all. And to think I just got myself up from my dump yesterday. 

... I fail today. Feeling so anxious (wouldn't call it a panic attack) that I couldn't focus doing a damn thing. Tried meditating. Tried youtubing. Tried reading some novel. Tried playing with my hamsters (they ignored me). Tried talking to my mom (turned out having a one-sided conversation as she is half asleep as it is 4 am in the morning). Tried walking around the porch (no zen there). Tried doing that (no feeling at all, in fact it just cemented how lonely I am).               In the end, here I am. Lying on there floor, with eight freshly cut wounds on my thighs, having conversation with my inner demons. Sometimes it make me wonder, until when do I have to resort to this defense mechanism everytime I'm feeling restless?               I am briefly considering getting myself diagnosed with major depression disorder and bipolar and just get on the meds for once and for all. But there's little voice in my head ...

I have a little mental breakdown today. A panic attack. I tried to sleep but then my thoughts tortured me. So I couldnt sleep. All I could think was why postpone the execution tomorrow when I can do it today. Why not take that razor I hid and slit my wrist. Along, not across. Since forcing myself to sleep failed majestically, I decided to go on Youtube and get some calming nonsense vids. It worked. I found a fantastic video that made me bawled like a kid. But instead of relief, I realized that the voice inside my head was still being a bitch to me, I had to get out from the house. So here I am. Typing these down while taking a long walk. I almost seeked my mum earlier and got me admitted or some shit. I couldn't handle this shit anymore. The ups and downs. The loneliness. I have no happy memories. Most of them were just dull. None. It feels empty. Sometimes I feel my life is nothing but bleakness. Happy but not really happy. It's getting brighter now. The sky. Not my hea...

Hello there guys. Welcome back. It's time for another book review! SPOILERSSS ALERT!           Just finished the book like 20 minutes ago and I'm loving it! The book is called Lingus by one of my all-time-favourite authors, Mariana Zapata. FYI, she is the queen of slow romance guys. I never thought I was a big of her previously, until I checked that I have read six out of eight books she wrote and my ratings were four stars above. I'm marathoning two of her books after this (Kulti and From Lukov With Love). Most people would describe Katherine Berger as a responsible girl with a big heart, a loyal friend who takes care of those close to her, and the possessor of a wicked sense of humor. There was something about her that most people didn't know. "My name is Kat Berger, and I love porn." When twenty-five-year-old Kat is dragged to a porn convention by her best friend, she's both embarrassed and nervous. The last thing she ever expected was to meet som...

.... and this will be a short one. It's about him, the scandal of mine. I can't say much because it is a private thing between us.           I think I loved him for awhile there. I was in a vulnerable place. We were both vulnerable. Seeking love from strangers. It was a short knowing-each-other. I was being too clingy and he was absent for awhile and stuffs like that made me insecure as hell. Soooo....... I ended it. Yup. Me. The one with abandonment issue, abandoned him. Hypocrite I am. I know.           All I could say, I'm sorry. Sorry I abandon you. Plus, things would never EVER work between us. EVER. I'm sorry. I appreciate the time we had. You deserve someone who's better than me and be physically there with you. For you. Plus, two people with deep fucked-up issues would never ended up good. That kinda story only belongs in my kind of novels.           That is all. This is really the last post for the...

Hello there guys. I wanna try to write a proper reviews again. So, the book I chose for today review is Razing Grace. Hahahahah. Get ready for some fucked-upness.            Let's begin with the book synopsis, shall we? Warning, SPOILER ALERTS! I was light, and I was pure. Until I wasn’t.. Millie I’m Millie Hart, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve dedicated my life to my Catholic faith. It was a part of me every step of the way. So when I decided to join a nunnery, no one in my family was surprised. I’m not sure at what point my life changed or where it went extremely wrong. My nightmares are becoming realities as my world starts to slowly tremble under the ground I’m presently shackled to. I was taken. Everything I thought I knew was about to rain down on me in drops of lies, deceit, and undiluted evil.  Tripp/Raze I’m more machine than man. I’m the alpha and the omega of The Army, and the leader of The 6 masked huntsmen. I live and bl...

Hi. I'm back.With a story.           Last year, in the end of August and early September, I was dealing with some heavy shit. I made a deal with myself you see, before the start of my semester. I was prepared to end it. Last letter written in my diary. I spent a whole day sight seeing with my niece. Wrote down every usernames and passwords and PIN numbers to every account I had. I put it in my mum's purse. Told her it was an important paper, don't lose it. (She can't read, so she didn't ask much, maybe thought it was some menial things.)           The point of things are I was prepared to leave . I'd planned it. My family usually didn't disturb me when I was alone in my room, door locked (unless if there was food or bladder needed emptying, I rarely got out from my room). They don't ask. I could spent 24 hours in my room and no one will come in to check me. I had the opportunity that I had.            ...

Hey there..... IT'S FEBRUARY!!! The month of the last movie of FIFTY SHADES!!            Hah. I bet you forgot I have an obsession with the series, don't you? It's been three~four years since my first read of the trilogy. I was 18 at the time, nearly 19 and I'm 22 right now. Huh. My first erotica book by the way. A BDSM-themed one at that.            Anyhow, since Fifty Shades Freed (FSF) will be out in FIVE MORE DAYS (!!!), I want to celebrate by posting 'NEVER TEAR US APART' song lyrics by Bishop Briggs (God, I love her voice) and 'WHEN I GO' song lyrics by Jamie Dornan (who knew he could sing). NEVER TEAR US APART by Bishop Briggs Don't ask me What you know is true Don't have to tell you Oh, I love your precious heart I was standing You were there Two worlds collided And they could never ever tear us apart And we could live For a thousand years But if I hurt you I'd make wine from your ...