It's That Coppery Smell Again
... I fail today. Feeling so anxious (wouldn't call it a panic attack) that I couldn't focus doing a damn thing. Tried meditating. Tried youtubing. Tried reading some novel. Tried playing with my hamsters (they ignored me). Tried talking to my mom (turned out having a one-sided conversation as she is half asleep as it is 4 am in the morning). Tried walking around the porch (no zen there). Tried doing that (no feeling at all, in fact it just cemented how lonely I am).
In the end, here I am. Lying on there floor, with eight freshly cut wounds on my thighs, having conversation with my inner demons. Sometimes it make me wonder, until when do I have to resort to this defense mechanism everytime I'm feeling restless?
I am briefly considering getting myself diagnosed with major depression disorder and bipolar and just get on the meds for once and for all. But there's little voice in my head telling me that I might be seeking for attention after all and all of these are just my imaginations. It can't be right? I cannot make these all up? It has to be true when it hurts so bad to be trapped inside my own head. It's hurting right now in fact. And my chest.
We'll see how that goes guys. I may or may not gather my courage and seek treatment today. It's getting stupid now to not help myself.
Anyway, I have to go now. Need to bask in this painful euphoria before it's gone. Will write later. Toodles.
In the end, here I am. Lying on there floor, with eight freshly cut wounds on my thighs, having conversation with my inner demons. Sometimes it make me wonder, until when do I have to resort to this defense mechanism everytime I'm feeling restless?
I am briefly considering getting myself diagnosed with major depression disorder and bipolar and just get on the meds for once and for all. But there's little voice in my head telling me that I might be seeking for attention after all and all of these are just my imaginations. It can't be right? I cannot make these all up? It has to be true when it hurts so bad to be trapped inside my own head. It's hurting right now in fact. And my chest.
We'll see how that goes guys. I may or may not gather my courage and seek treatment today. It's getting stupid now to not help myself.
Anyway, I have to go now. Need to bask in this painful euphoria before it's gone. Will write later. Toodles.
L.
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