Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Saturday - April 16, 2016  3.30 pm Dear Yuvaraj,          Today is the day when I lost you. I cried to sleep today, you know. Full of regrets. Full of unkept promises. Full of unfulfilled dreams. You were one of those amazing men I've ever encountered. Sure, you weren't perfect. But you were the right kind of 'imperfection'. I miss you.          I can't believe that I have lost you, Jepun. No more stories from you, huh. I'll miss our stupid stories together. It is with such sadness and guilt that I couldn't meet you as soon as I found out about your cancer. I am sorry that I couldn't be a good friend to you. You deserved more than this. You were not supposed to die. Not when you were only 19- 20 next month. You left too soon.          Thank you for borrowing your last 10 years on me. Thank you for being my friend, and sharing your memories with me. I shall guard it with my life. Thank you for being ...

I am done. My mental self is now crawling on the floor. Searching for absolution. I am crawling, searching for source of light. I am so in dark here.             A few days ago, I finally got to hear Imagine Dragon's Demon. I almost cried at the lyric. It is what I've always thought about myself. That I'm beyond salvageable. That I am past beyond help. No one can save me. No one can tame this beast inside me. The beast that have helped me during my time in need. The beast that loved me during the worst time of my life. My lovely beast. The one who protect me, love me, save me, entertain me, make me want to live. How can I let my beast go, when I love her so much, because having her with me is wrong? So wrong. But I love her. She's the reason why I am still here, though fucked-up in the end, but I'm here, aren't I?              I cannot let her go. She is so deeply engrave...

Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.Give me strength. Give me strength.

Will you remember me when I'm gone?

I have never felt an urge so bad to run. God, I want to run so bad. I am so tired. I want to quit. I hate this. I hate myself. Why am I like this? Why am I born this way? I wish I'd done myself like I planned years ago. I cannot handle much of this anymore. Why me? I am so tired, world. Let me sleep forever. I don't want to wake up anymore. I don't want to open my eyes forever. Please, let me sleep. I don't want to see and feel again. I am so tired. Please, let me sleep.

I'm so tired guys. So freaking tired of living and breathing. Why the hell am I here? I should've endeeld it a long time ago. I have it enough with everything. I should never be here. I should havr never go on. I should've stopped believing a long time ago.

I'm back and this time I'm black. My hands are shaking as I write this. God, I feel so horrible about myself. I can't believe that I'm having this attack in class. I am so desperately want to draw blood right now. I feel so dirty and useless. So deep down and unsalvageable. No one can save. No one wants to. As I sit here in this room, accompanied by 40 other students, I have never feel so alone. It's so true about what they say. You can be around a lot of people and yet can feel so alone like you're the only person in the world. I'm putting smile on my face right now, getting ready for another class. Pray I'm going to make it okay at the end of the day.

Hey there guys. I just got back from roaming the internet and I found myself here back. I got tons of stuff to say but I don't think I have the patience to write it all down but maybe someday I will. Anyhow, anywho, it has been 16 days since my birthday. Happy 20th to me ! Haha. Never would I imagine that I would last this long. Another addition in my life is that I am currently in a GOP programme and let me tell you that it is so tough to do this. I thought I would only handle the GOP but it turns out that we had to handle another 2 more large scale event. I don't know how this thing going to happen as I am still shock by the sudden responsibility on my shoulder. Anyway, that is all I can share. I have to sleep now. Don't want to get another migraine tomorrow morning. Goodnight guys. Sleep tight. From KL with love, Liely.