Liely's Guilty Pleasures

Hey there guys.            I know that it has been quite a time since I last posted in here. These days, I’ve been in war with myself. I don’t get it. I was trying as hard as I could. But I couldn’t keep on this façade anymore. One day or any day, I know that this mask will break and by that time, everything will reveal itself… and I will be the most hideous person of all. They will hate me. They will pity me. And I can’t accept that.             Sometimes I feel as if I’m drowning and there’s nothing I could do. My soul is tearing up to two parts. The one that I love and the one that I don’t want to let go. The latter was a part me since forever. It has helped me when I needed it. It made me happy but it was not right for me. How can I have both of them without it destroying me in the process? I’m already at my wits end here. I want to keep both of them but I can’t. I have to choose and unfortunately the one I don’t w...

Assalamualaikum and a very good morning guys.         How long has it been now? Three months since my last post? I don't know why but suddenly I have the urge to put an update about my current life now. So, since the last three months, a lot of things have happened. Now, I am currently a university student, pursuing my studies in chemical engineeering in Universiti Teknologi Malaysia. Not what I imagined my life would turn out to be. So far, things have been hectic. I've never thought the life of a chemical engineering student would be like this. It was pure hell, I tell you. No one ever mention that my life would turn out like this. However, it was my decision that had led me into this famous university. Sometimes I want to quit so bad but I can't. My parents have invested so much in me. I can't let them down. That is all that hold me together right now. I have to be strong not just for myself but for them. I think that is all I could talk for today. I need to d...

Guys, my father won't talk to me. I wanna cry so bad. Why??? He disagreed with my decision to go to UTM. I don't want to enter UM. I seriously don't want to. And yet...          I can't do anything. What should I do? I am trying to keep a straight face here. Inside, I'm bleeding. Should I end it here? I need to keep going. I have to. I have to prove them wrong. It's the only way to get rid of this sick feeling that I have.           So hereby , I solemnly promise . I will graduate excellently . I will go through these four years of study with flying colours . I will get a job that can provide me and my family comfortably . I will make them pay for doubting me and my choice . I'll prove to them that they are absolutely wrong !            I will start everything fresh and green. No more playing around. No more...

It's actually a little late for this post but a week ago, the university result came out. At the end of the day, I got two offers from two different universities. UM and UTM. My decision is very simple. Stick to the best university in engineering. I chose UTM. I always had a thing with this particular university. Although, I have to admit that UM has a better reputation as it is the number one university in Malaysia, I always believe that it is your effort that represents your result. Not the institution. Well, not fully of course. I did consider the facilities.             That is, unfortunately, what I want to talk about today. It's about my decision and my family's reaction. Oh god, I am so devastated over what happened today. Needless to say this, my family didn't agree with what I chose. I don't like feeling this. I feel so wronged. All my life, I did it to satisfy them. But when this happened. I feel like I failed in life. I ...

So here we go. I've been putting this on for awhile now. But this time I want to put it in action. I found that when you have a goal in life, you wouldn't want to ditch that goal over something petty in life. I want to make my life meaningful. I want to base my life by paving my road to my goals. I want to feel satisfied when one of my goals is accomplished.            So, here we go. My Bucket's List 1. Touching real snow with my bare hands. 2 . Travel to Britain. (Especially the countryside) 3. Own my own library. (With thousands of my favourite books) 4. Write a book and get it published. 5. Play Skyrim. (Okay, I really want to play this game so much!)           That is all that I can think at the moment. I don't think the list will change anytime sooner. So, there you go. Will talk more later.

Never be a grudgeful person, Lee. It's not good for you. I know things are tough but see it in a different perspective will you. Things are going to be good. Just trust in yourself. Just never gives up, no matter how hard the circumstance are. You'll get through it. It's all the part of growing up. In order to grow up, you need to go through stuffs like this.

I am thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home today. I feel like it is the perfect time to end it. In fact, I can almost grasp at the idea. It is like something special because to be honest, I am tired. Whenever I said I'm not, it's a lie. An utter bullshit. A secret that I want to hide.          My body is trembling with adrenaline because I really want this kind of ending for me. I can already taste it in my mouth. I want to end it. Now. After I get home from here.          Will I have the bravery though?          I don't think anyone would miss me. Of course, they would be sad, but that would only be temporary. Then, they'll move on. I hope it will be a lesson to them though. Be more sensitive to what others are feeling. Be supportive. Never let someone you love lowers themselves too low that they start to hate themselves. It helps even if you give the...

It 's horrible. That's all I can say. I am crying my balls out right now but no tears came to my eyes. I am keeping the smile on my face even though I am hurting. I really have to say that I am brave. I am strong. I can get through this. I am strong.

No matter what you do, jangan breakdown, Lee. Keep it together. Hold it together. Hold it. Jangan breakdown. Don't cry. I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry. I fucking refuse to cry. Cry does you no good. This is only temporary. You'll get better. Be strong. Be brave. Never give up. This will get better. You'll get better. This is temporary. Don't succumb to it. No matter what you do, don't succumb to it. I feel so useless. So fucking useless. I hate this part of me. It so fucking weak. Fucking WEAK. I don't feel strong. I don't feel weak. I feel so fucking useless. Get a grip. Get a fucking grip. You'll get through this. Don't think. I'll always think . It's my curse . I just can't stop thinking . It always hurt so fucking bad . I want to stop thinking . Please stop thinking , Lee . Please stop. PLEASE STOPP !!!!!!!!!

Why am I like this? Why does the self-loathing comes back to me? I though I had moved passed this? I thought the year that I had in Matric had changed the way I'm thinking. But it did not. Worse than ever I think that year I had in there was only a complicated and elaborate lie that I used to cover this sickness that I have. The sickness of the mind. I wish that year was just a bad memory. It sickens me now. Oh god, there IS really something wrong with me. I was the happiest I've ever been when I was there. But now? Why I  lamented that memory? What is wrong with me? Today should be a joyful day and yet I have came back to this dark hole with no one to come to save me. Not anymore. This is hole is so dark and cold. And the stupid tears that banked in my eyes didn't make it so much easier. It weighing on me. As if I'm shouldering the weight of the world. I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with neither beacon of light nor the way out. So far, I  just keep walking. Nev...

Good evening everyone. Today marks the twelfth day I am 'released' from Malacca Matriculation College. Sorry that it toll this long for me to post anything here. It's just that I am enjoying every moment of my life right now by reading all those books that I've postponed all this time.          I love my matrix life. I so do. At first I just can't wait for it to be over. But after that it finally over, I miss it. I cried, sobbed and get all emotional when it was time to finally let go the friend that I've made there. Hajar, Shie, Lina, and that are just the few names I could pick from a bucket of it. I value them. So much. Thank you for being my friend, babes. Truly thank you.           Okay, then. Let's talk about happy stuff now. FYI, my record of the books I've read this year just jumped to 104. Hah. I have more than 6 months to go with 96 books to read to reach my goal of this year. Can't wait for...

Aaaannddd after a thousand years it seems, my wish is finally fulfilled. I have finally watched the Fifty Shades of Grey movie and although there is a bit of disappointment that invaded my heart at the moment because, truth-to-say, it was a bit anti-climatic, but I am still the devoted fan of the books. Nothing, and it's worth repeating, that nothing will stop me from loving CG despite his fucked-upness. Nothing.         Though it was a bit ridiculous to hear Jamie said Grey's words out loud like 'I want to fuck you until next week.' I can't help but laugh at that one. It sounds so stupid. Hell, but it sounds cool when it reverbrates in my head just now. Hehe...          Okay, that is all I want to note at this point. My wish is accomplished. Now, I have to wait for Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. Then, my world is complete. Happiest Girl In The World, Liely P.S. OMG, the ending of FSoG was so sudden but I love it.. Th...