In The Dark Again

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Why am I like this? Why does the self-loathing comes back to me? I though I had moved passed this? I thought the year that I had in Matric had changed the way I'm thinking. But it did not. Worse than ever I think that year I had in there was only a complicated and elaborate lie that I used to cover this sickness that I have. The sickness of the mind.

I wish that year was just a bad memory. It sickens me now. Oh god, there IS really something wrong with me. I was the happiest I've ever been when I was there. But now? Why I  lamented that memory? What is wrong with me? Today should be a joyful day and yet I have came back to this dark hole with no one to come to save me. Not anymore.

This is hole is so dark and cold. And the stupid tears that banked in my eyes didn't make it so much easier. It weighing on me. As if I'm shouldering the weight of the world. I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel with neither beacon of light nor the way out. So far, I  just keep walking. Never sprinting, to find the way out. But just walking slowly, almost bordering on crawling.

It hurts. My head. My heard. My eyes. They hurt

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