Ever Since My First

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... (you know what), I kinda have developed this devil-may-care attitude. I wanna believe that nothing is of the consequences I make. In the end of the day, there are only me and my cut.

          I have an outlet now. It's kinda exciting and scary in the same time. I feel sad and happy. Sad that I did this to myself. Happy that every time I see them, I believe that nothing is going to hurt me worse than myself. My heart is literally beating faster now because I truly believe that.

          NOTHING IS GOING TO HURT ME WORSE THAN HOW I HURT MYSELF.

          I finally have a grip on my life. For once, I decide who's going to hurt me. Never mind that it is yours truly No one can take this away. This is my biggest secret of all. A secret that I will never tell anyone. I have this sick pleasure knowing every time people look at me, they see this fat cheery girl with big mouth and no filter and every time I look at myself, I see this fucked up girl, with fucked up life and fucked up mind. Scars both physically and mentally manifested in her eyes and body. And no one knows this. Except me. And that is now it's going to be. Forever.

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