Message From Afar
Hi guys.
My dear dear diary.
It's been too long since our last communications. Despite all the rough patches, I am still alive. The world is kind to me, I think. I haven't written down my thoughts for awhile now. I am barely holding them in as I wrote these words.
The objective of this post is to tell you what happened in my life for the past year and a half. Remember in my earlier posts, that I mentioned I have never been in other states other than Johor, Malacca, Negeri Sembilan, Selangor and Kuala Lumpur? Now, I have to update on that list. Due to an extracurricular program in my university, I have now visited almost all the states in Malaysia other than Perlis, Sabah & Sarawak. I have grown a lot, mentally and physically during my absence in the past year due to this program. The program, which I shall not be named, taught me a lot of stuffs, stuffs that you cannot get in the class. Soft skills, endurance under stress. And mighty goodness, was it a stressful week for me and the rest of the secretariats. We bleed, sweat and cried throughout the journey and what a journey that was.
A couple of weeks ago, I reached my 21st birthday. Which is a surprise for me. Ten years ago, I didn't even know that I would be 21. I thought I would ended my life a long time ago. Yup. That suicidal feelings. It's still there. In fact, I think I'm getting worse as the time goes on. Sometimes, I'm scared of myself. Last night, I hurt myself again. It was just something my mom said. Then, it happened. Just like that. Maybe it was because of the book I'm reading at the time. It was a very depressive book. So, the two that shouldn't meet, encountered. Hence, I lost my mind a bit. I want to tell you guys that I am alright now. That I survived the worst of my depression. But it's not. I am still in the whirlwind of it. I can't tell you that it will get better because even now my life is hanging in the wind. I do not know how long I am going to survive this ride before I give up. Just know, that I am trying my best to continue with everything although it hurts a lot to just get up in the morning and face the music.
Let me tell you about my attack during my last Fluid Mechanic (FM) final paper. I couldn't focus. Every time I tried to read something, it went in one ear and out from another. It was very frustrating. My eyes couldn't say at one spot. So, I did what I usually did.
I don't know how to say this without alarming you guys but lately, the urge to draw blood or whatever you want to call it, it's getting harder to curb. It just came out of nowhere and when it nested in my mind, it can't be removed so easily. I thought I was getting better but when I slipped off my track, the attack came with a vengeance. I just cannot stop thinking about it. I wonder when this addiction will end. Will it be my end? I hope not.
This is all for today. Let's talk again later, my readers.
My dear dear diary.
It's been too long since our last communications. Despite all the rough patches, I am still alive. The world is kind to me, I think. I haven't written down my thoughts for awhile now. I am barely holding them in as I wrote these words.
The objective of this post is to tell you what happened in my life for the past year and a half. Remember in my earlier posts, that I mentioned I have never been in other states other than Johor, Malacca, Negeri Sembilan, Selangor and Kuala Lumpur? Now, I have to update on that list. Due to an extracurricular program in my university, I have now visited almost all the states in Malaysia other than Perlis, Sabah & Sarawak. I have grown a lot, mentally and physically during my absence in the past year due to this program. The program, which I shall not be named, taught me a lot of stuffs, stuffs that you cannot get in the class. Soft skills, endurance under stress. And mighty goodness, was it a stressful week for me and the rest of the secretariats. We bleed, sweat and cried throughout the journey and what a journey that was.
A couple of weeks ago, I reached my 21st birthday. Which is a surprise for me. Ten years ago, I didn't even know that I would be 21. I thought I would ended my life a long time ago. Yup. That suicidal feelings. It's still there. In fact, I think I'm getting worse as the time goes on. Sometimes, I'm scared of myself. Last night, I hurt myself again. It was just something my mom said. Then, it happened. Just like that. Maybe it was because of the book I'm reading at the time. It was a very depressive book. So, the two that shouldn't meet, encountered. Hence, I lost my mind a bit. I want to tell you guys that I am alright now. That I survived the worst of my depression. But it's not. I am still in the whirlwind of it. I can't tell you that it will get better because even now my life is hanging in the wind. I do not know how long I am going to survive this ride before I give up. Just know, that I am trying my best to continue with everything although it hurts a lot to just get up in the morning and face the music.
Let me tell you about my attack during my last Fluid Mechanic (FM) final paper. I couldn't focus. Every time I tried to read something, it went in one ear and out from another. It was very frustrating. My eyes couldn't say at one spot. So, I did what I usually did.
I don't know how to say this without alarming you guys but lately, the urge to draw blood or whatever you want to call it, it's getting harder to curb. It just came out of nowhere and when it nested in my mind, it can't be removed so easily. I thought I was getting better but when I slipped off my track, the attack came with a vengeance. I just cannot stop thinking about it. I wonder when this addiction will end. Will it be my end? I hope not.
This is all for today. Let's talk again later, my readers.
Sincerely,
Lee.
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