I'm Black, Remington
Depression is back with a Vengeance.
It has been a couple of days since I'm back in my 'Depression Mood' again. I woke up from sleep today feeling horrible. So horrible that I wished I could go back to sleep and pretend that everything is right and perfect in my life.
I just don't understand how I can be so happy and over the moon one moment and feel so. . . crappy and so deep in the abyss the next. I can't keep up with my emotions sometimes. This time, the depression is like something that claws beneath my skin. My heart feels like its going to burst to flames any time now.
I don't know about others but whenever I get these self-deprecating thoughts about myself, I feel like my body go numb and I can actually feel a surge being transmitted throughout my body. I suspect its hormone and my feeling after that is like being crushed by tons of bricks.
I know that I'm being whiny now but this is the depressed ME talking so I hope you can understand. Normally, I would sound stupid when I'm depressed. So, just be patient on me. I'll be happy again later.
This time, I suspected the trigger to my depression was the news about Bobby going to college. I am sick to my stomach because I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Bobby is clearly on her way but me? For now, I'm just begging that my application to the Matrix will be accepted. It is my only hope. I'm seriously clueless about where I should go after this.
I did consider chemical engineering and civil engineering (in the engineering category since I don't really like other courses) but as I said, I'm not sure if that's where my passion is. I love to have something to do with books. Publishing and editing. Anything that has something to do with books. Like being an editor. Like Ana. But then, I'm not sure how I can jump from science stream to literature stream.
Arghhh!! The whole thing just messed up my mind again.
Anyhow, other than that, I went shopping with my family yesterday. That is another trigger to my depression, I guess. I hate shopping. I know. What kind of 18-year-old hates shopping? But I do. And I immensely loathe them. I find shopping as something-torturing. I have no pretty experience when it involved shopping the past. It's almost traumatic experience for me. Almost all my shirts and pants are hand-me-down stuffs. The only shopping I love doing is buying books. But nobody in my family shares the same passion as me. They think books are waste of time and money.
*scoff*
Man, I'm depressed again, sinking deeper into the mud.
Hence, reason I am so fucking depressed today. Reason why I woke up this morning feeling like a road-kill. Feeling so freaking worthless that if I die, people won't even notice I'm gone. People won't even miss me. I'm just another person die due to her own stupidity.
You have no idea how many times I think about self-inflicting myself so that I could stop thinking about this emotional roller coaster of my life affected me. My heart is like a black hole right now. So black that everything it suck will be nothing but black.
When I was thirteen (or some age around that), I adopted this self-inflicting habit. I will take pencil, pen, compasses, anything sharp and drove them down my arm. I never has the courage to use knife because it would leave obvious scars. So I settle for pens. I would stab my arms and embrace the pain. For me, at that time, it was the only way I could do to forget my emotional pain. Physical pain overcomes emotional pain, for me. That was why when my mother started scolding me, I sometimes hoped she would beat the hell out of me. Just so that I could taste that pain, rather feeling it with my heart. I just wish sometimes would beat the shit out of me.
Oh dear, I'm sorry if that paragraph up there disturbs you. I told you, I sounded silly and stupid when I'm depressed. I just need somewhere to let it out and here seems like the best outlet.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about these things right now, anymore. Time to read some book to uplift this stupid mood off me. Will write again soon in the future. Hopefully when I'm normal again.
P.S. Writing this post, reminded me of REAL books by Katy Evans. Remington Tate has these days when he's black and blue, you know. If you haven't read the book, I don't think you would understand what I'm talking about but I can so closely relate with him during those days when he's black. I guess, right now I'm black.
It has been a couple of days since I'm back in my 'Depression Mood' again. I woke up from sleep today feeling horrible. So horrible that I wished I could go back to sleep and pretend that everything is right and perfect in my life.
I just don't understand how I can be so happy and over the moon one moment and feel so. . . crappy and so deep in the abyss the next. I can't keep up with my emotions sometimes. This time, the depression is like something that claws beneath my skin. My heart feels like its going to burst to flames any time now.
I don't know about others but whenever I get these self-deprecating thoughts about myself, I feel like my body go numb and I can actually feel a surge being transmitted throughout my body. I suspect its hormone and my feeling after that is like being crushed by tons of bricks.
I know that I'm being whiny now but this is the depressed ME talking so I hope you can understand. Normally, I would sound stupid when I'm depressed. So, just be patient on me. I'll be happy again later.
This time, I suspected the trigger to my depression was the news about Bobby going to college. I am sick to my stomach because I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Bobby is clearly on her way but me? For now, I'm just begging that my application to the Matrix will be accepted. It is my only hope. I'm seriously clueless about where I should go after this.
I did consider chemical engineering and civil engineering (in the engineering category since I don't really like other courses) but as I said, I'm not sure if that's where my passion is. I love to have something to do with books. Publishing and editing. Anything that has something to do with books. Like being an editor. Like Ana. But then, I'm not sure how I can jump from science stream to literature stream.
Arghhh!! The whole thing just messed up my mind again.
Anyhow, other than that, I went shopping with my family yesterday. That is another trigger to my depression, I guess. I hate shopping. I know. What kind of 18-year-old hates shopping? But I do. And I immensely loathe them. I find shopping as something-torturing. I have no pretty experience when it involved shopping the past. It's almost traumatic experience for me. Almost all my shirts and pants are hand-me-down stuffs. The only shopping I love doing is buying books. But nobody in my family shares the same passion as me. They think books are waste of time and money.
*scoff*
Man, I'm depressed again, sinking deeper into the mud.
Hence, reason I am so fucking depressed today. Reason why I woke up this morning feeling like a road-kill. Feeling so freaking worthless that if I die, people won't even notice I'm gone. People won't even miss me. I'm just another person die due to her own stupidity.
You have no idea how many times I think about self-inflicting myself so that I could stop thinking about this emotional roller coaster of my life affected me. My heart is like a black hole right now. So black that everything it suck will be nothing but black.
When I was thirteen (or some age around that), I adopted this self-inflicting habit. I will take pencil, pen, compasses, anything sharp and drove them down my arm. I never has the courage to use knife because it would leave obvious scars. So I settle for pens. I would stab my arms and embrace the pain. For me, at that time, it was the only way I could do to forget my emotional pain. Physical pain overcomes emotional pain, for me. That was why when my mother started scolding me, I sometimes hoped she would beat the hell out of me. Just so that I could taste that pain, rather feeling it with my heart. I just wish sometimes would beat the shit out of me.
Oh dear, I'm sorry if that paragraph up there disturbs you. I told you, I sounded silly and stupid when I'm depressed. I just need somewhere to let it out and here seems like the best outlet.
Anyway, I don't want to talk about these things right now, anymore. Time to read some book to uplift this stupid mood off me. Will write again soon in the future. Hopefully when I'm normal again.
Yours truly,
Liely
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