Almost 22... But Not Quite.
Hey there.
And hi diary.
Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday. So, here ends my youth. I can't believe I'm gonna be 22. Damn. Now I can't help but remember that Taylor Swift's song. Hahaha.
I'm still depressed though. Just when I thought it's going to change. I revert back. Just got back from cutting myself. I tried so hard to distract myself. So hard. I talked nonsensically to my friends just about everything. I tried to talk a walk, deep breath. But once I'm back in the cocoon of my bed, it all goes away. My mind thinks back to the hidden razor in my drawer.
Next minute, I was sitting on my chair with a bleeding thigh.
Moment like this sends message to my brain that I can't be helped. Not yet. I am still basking in sins. Deep down, I am not fully healed. Deep down, I'm still fucked up with these stupid ideas. I can't let them go yet. This coping method of mine.
I didn't even feel the bite of pain because I was feeling too numb. My chest is like holding together, almost to the point of bursting with pain and misery. It's too much for me.
Every year, my birthday comes and goes and all that I could think of is 'how more birthday can I celebrate after this?'.... I know I'm being super melancholic right now. Hahahah. Perhaps, I would look back to this post later in life and moan at the idiocy of my undeveloped thoughts.
Hahahah.
I can't help it.
I still want to die.
But I won't. I wouldn't. I want to live. To grow old. But times like this, when there's nothing but pain that could calm me down, I wonder what kind of person I am. Am I deserved to live like this? Or would it just better for me to end it for good... I tried to think rational guys... but I am so very tired living on this wheel of life... where everything super sunshine for me one minute and fucking dark as hell the next. The ups and downs. I am so tired.
Very tired. And numb.
And hi diary.
Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday. So, here ends my youth. I can't believe I'm gonna be 22. Damn. Now I can't help but remember that Taylor Swift's song. Hahaha.
I'm still depressed though. Just when I thought it's going to change. I revert back. Just got back from cutting myself. I tried so hard to distract myself. So hard. I talked nonsensically to my friends just about everything. I tried to talk a walk, deep breath. But once I'm back in the cocoon of my bed, it all goes away. My mind thinks back to the hidden razor in my drawer.
Next minute, I was sitting on my chair with a bleeding thigh.
Moment like this sends message to my brain that I can't be helped. Not yet. I am still basking in sins. Deep down, I am not fully healed. Deep down, I'm still fucked up with these stupid ideas. I can't let them go yet. This coping method of mine.
I didn't even feel the bite of pain because I was feeling too numb. My chest is like holding together, almost to the point of bursting with pain and misery. It's too much for me.
Every year, my birthday comes and goes and all that I could think of is 'how more birthday can I celebrate after this?'.... I know I'm being super melancholic right now. Hahahah. Perhaps, I would look back to this post later in life and moan at the idiocy of my undeveloped thoughts.
Hahahah.
I can't help it.
I still want to die.
But I won't. I wouldn't. I want to live. To grow old. But times like this, when there's nothing but pain that could calm me down, I wonder what kind of person I am. Am I deserved to live like this? Or would it just better for me to end it for good... I tried to think rational guys... but I am so very tired living on this wheel of life... where everything super sunshine for me one minute and fucking dark as hell the next. The ups and downs. I am so tired.
Very tired. And numb.
L.
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