Let Me Tell You What Happened in 2017
Assalamualaikum and hi everyone.
Happy February! And to those who celebrate Valentine's Day, be safe and make sure you're protected (if you don't want to have little ones in the future).
So yeah. I don't why but today I would like to make an entry about what happened in 2017. As you all know (or maybe not), I have battled depression for all my life. I also have very low self-esteem and suicidal for the most part of my life. In addition to all that, I also self-harmed regularly. So, this is my story of the year 2017, the year I was at lowest and vulnerable.
It all started with the death of my best friend. I believed I wrote a letter for him (you can read it from here). He died due to lung cancer. He never smoked, so I don't know why he was susceptible to that. All I know was my best friend died. In my secondary school, I was an introvert kid and had a hard time getting friends. It was just hard for me to make friends and so I was pretty alone in secondary school. I had 4 friends that I was closed with; Yuvaraj, Jaspreet, Zakiah, and Rabiyah. All of them, I haven't talked to for years. So, when Yuvaraj died, I became more closed into myself. I lost that branch and support.
Of course, I won't make it sad and blame him for his death... but deep down, I felt cheated in a way. I felt injustice. I felt like he didn't deserve to die. Everyone loved him. He should had not die. God should let me die. God should take me and not him. Basically, I just feel cheated by death and in a way jealous that he died. I know I'm fucked up. I'm still am. I am not a good person. That's why I want to be gone. A good person like him should not go that soon.
I would say that his death was the catalyst to my downfall. Going into my second year, semester one, I rebelled. I don't know toward whom but I stopped giving care for my education. I also lived alone at that time, no more roommates. So, you could say I became unleashed from the scrutinization and attention from another person. During this semester, I basically slutted out myself, became a person I hated and I reveled in it. I would say I lost my innocence this year without losing my virginity. I was too far gone for help. I sought help in the worst place possible. I sought help from the wrong person and I hurt a ton of people in the process. I was totally unrestrained that year. If not for my religion, I would've long gone either killed myself or become a whore. Despite having a lack of faith, Islam saved me.
Anyway, with my rebellious stage going away, my CGPA pointer dropped drastically. At one point, my pointer was below 2.9. For a straight A's, 4 flat student like me, I had finally succumbed to the lowest of lows. I tried to study harder in semester two of 2017 when I realized I was deteriorating, but nothing came into my head. Nothing stayed.
Then the worst blow hit me. My scholarship got retracted. I lost the financial aid that would leave me stable for the full 4 years I would be in UTM. Hell broke loose. The day I received the news, I was in my computer class. I was numb the whole time. I was already actively self-harming myself at that point. After the class, I walked back to my room, with nothing in my mind but my razor cutting my thighs. I must've killed myself over and over again during that walk home. After I got home, I sliced my thighs so many times that there wasn't anymore area on my right thigh that wasn't covered in blood. The whole room smelled of copper that day. I fell asleep later with a throbbing pain on my thigh and numbness in my heart.
After that, self-harm became my companion. Whenever I found everything was hard to take it, I took it to myself to deliver the punishment. In my head, I deserved the pain. I was the one who lost that scholarship. I was the one who was weak enough to slut myself out. I was the one worthless and underserved of my family. Oh my god, I don't even want to get into my family issue. The university sent a letter to my parents and after they found out, I felt so horrible I wanted to die. I knew I failed them. I knew I disappointed them.
To this day, they kept bring this story up and I saw the disappointment in their eyes and it killed me. They have no idea how those stares and those words pushed me closer to the cliff. At one point, I've even written out a suicide letter. I wrote down all of my banks info and slipped them into my mom's purse. I spent a whole day sightseeing with my niece, thinking it would be the last time. I bought myself a ring just because I knew I would never have the chance of having a ring given to me. I lived my life that August like it was my last month.
But, life finds a way and I got through that year, scarredly but alive in the end. There were friends that helped me tremendously that year and one of them is married now. I don't know what I would do without their support. I thank God, that He still gave me the chance to redeem myself despite all the stupid shits I've done to myself in the year 2017.
So yeah, that is the story of 2017. I excluded the story of me meeting the university counselor because it was cringe-y and I don't think it helped me a lot. But yeah. That is the story.
Until next time.
Happy February! And to those who celebrate Valentine's Day, be safe and make sure you're protected (if you don't want to have little ones in the future).
So yeah. I don't why but today I would like to make an entry about what happened in 2017. As you all know (or maybe not), I have battled depression for all my life. I also have very low self-esteem and suicidal for the most part of my life. In addition to all that, I also self-harmed regularly. So, this is my story of the year 2017, the year I was at lowest and vulnerable.
It all started with the death of my best friend. I believed I wrote a letter for him (you can read it from here). He died due to lung cancer. He never smoked, so I don't know why he was susceptible to that. All I know was my best friend died. In my secondary school, I was an introvert kid and had a hard time getting friends. It was just hard for me to make friends and so I was pretty alone in secondary school. I had 4 friends that I was closed with; Yuvaraj, Jaspreet, Zakiah, and Rabiyah. All of them, I haven't talked to for years. So, when Yuvaraj died, I became more closed into myself. I lost that branch and support.
Of course, I won't make it sad and blame him for his death... but deep down, I felt cheated in a way. I felt injustice. I felt like he didn't deserve to die. Everyone loved him. He should had not die. God should let me die. God should take me and not him. Basically, I just feel cheated by death and in a way jealous that he died. I know I'm fucked up. I'm still am. I am not a good person. That's why I want to be gone. A good person like him should not go that soon.
I would say that his death was the catalyst to my downfall. Going into my second year, semester one, I rebelled. I don't know toward whom but I stopped giving care for my education. I also lived alone at that time, no more roommates. So, you could say I became unleashed from the scrutinization and attention from another person. During this semester, I basically slutted out myself, became a person I hated and I reveled in it. I would say I lost my innocence this year without losing my virginity. I was too far gone for help. I sought help in the worst place possible. I sought help from the wrong person and I hurt a ton of people in the process. I was totally unrestrained that year. If not for my religion, I would've long gone either killed myself or become a whore. Despite having a lack of faith, Islam saved me.
Anyway, with my rebellious stage going away, my CGPA pointer dropped drastically. At one point, my pointer was below 2.9. For a straight A's, 4 flat student like me, I had finally succumbed to the lowest of lows. I tried to study harder in semester two of 2017 when I realized I was deteriorating, but nothing came into my head. Nothing stayed.
Then the worst blow hit me. My scholarship got retracted. I lost the financial aid that would leave me stable for the full 4 years I would be in UTM. Hell broke loose. The day I received the news, I was in my computer class. I was numb the whole time. I was already actively self-harming myself at that point. After the class, I walked back to my room, with nothing in my mind but my razor cutting my thighs. I must've killed myself over and over again during that walk home. After I got home, I sliced my thighs so many times that there wasn't anymore area on my right thigh that wasn't covered in blood. The whole room smelled of copper that day. I fell asleep later with a throbbing pain on my thigh and numbness in my heart.
After that, self-harm became my companion. Whenever I found everything was hard to take it, I took it to myself to deliver the punishment. In my head, I deserved the pain. I was the one who lost that scholarship. I was the one who was weak enough to slut myself out. I was the one worthless and underserved of my family. Oh my god, I don't even want to get into my family issue. The university sent a letter to my parents and after they found out, I felt so horrible I wanted to die. I knew I failed them. I knew I disappointed them.
To this day, they kept bring this story up and I saw the disappointment in their eyes and it killed me. They have no idea how those stares and those words pushed me closer to the cliff. At one point, I've even written out a suicide letter. I wrote down all of my banks info and slipped them into my mom's purse. I spent a whole day sightseeing with my niece, thinking it would be the last time. I bought myself a ring just because I knew I would never have the chance of having a ring given to me. I lived my life that August like it was my last month.
But, life finds a way and I got through that year, scarredly but alive in the end. There were friends that helped me tremendously that year and one of them is married now. I don't know what I would do without their support. I thank God, that He still gave me the chance to redeem myself despite all the stupid shits I've done to myself in the year 2017.
So yeah, that is the story of 2017. I excluded the story of me meeting the university counselor because it was cringe-y and I don't think it helped me a lot. But yeah. That is the story.
Until next time.
L.
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